In the news today, an anonymous couple was charged with the attempted murder of non-living things. They pleaded not guilty to attacking Mr. Residential Block with crude tractors on 4th August. Mr. Residential Block lies in critical condition at a local hospital. Doctors operated on his fractured masonary and destroyed paint tissues. Mr. Residential Block’s lawyer stated his client’s right to inorganic existence was trampled upon. It is illegal to kill or harm anything, dead or living, in Kenya.
In other news, 40 million Kenyans are preparing to die after the recently passed Bill of Rights Constitution barred them from killing or using plants or vegetables or animals or non-living water for culinary consumption. Frantic efforts are underway by European aid agencies to supply much needed Protein Air-Burgers and Mineral Drinking Air.